I’m almost twenty-nine. How the hell did that happen? I suppose a lot of people-if not all of them-ask that question at least once before asking themselves how they came to be thirty, or sixty, or a digitally recorded consciousness that thinks it is living in a Beachside American Town in the late Nineteen Eighties. Time gets us all in the end. No point in dwelling on it.

Seeing as how my twenties are almost over, it makes sense to start thinking about who I want to be over the next twenty years. What I want to keep and what I want to throw away, that kind of thing. And I have come to realise that if I want to have any chance of being a decent person then I am going to have to let go of more than a few things. For example, the crippling fear of rejection that has affected every choice I have made and every word that I have said for as long as I can remember.

I think everyone is scared of being rejected to varying degrees. It doesn’t matter if you are an introvert or an extrovert, we all crave some form of love and acceptance from the people around us. Over time we learn the harsh lesson that not everyone will love you back or even like you all that much. Learning how to deal with it effectively is all part of growing up; realising that as long as you like and respect yourself, there will be at least one or two people who will like and respect you as well. And as long as you have those one or two people it doesn’t really matter if you have hundreds of friends or none at all. What is important is that you love yourself. (Giggidy.)

The way I dealt with my fear of rejection was…well, for sake of argument, let’s call it “the wrong way”. When I wasn’t engaged in a life or death struggle to prove my worth by starting this project or do this thing or trying to find someone whose love would fix all my problems, I was sharing every single detail about my life seemingly in the hopes that someone would turn around and say “Yes, that! That’s what makes you special!” I told myself that sharing my medical history or orientation or talking through every single problem with people would somehow raise awareness or make people feel better about themselves. But in reality…I don’t know. Maybe I just wanted to talk to people and not feel so alone, regardless of how the other person actually felt. Maybe I wanted to feel special and dramatic. No publicity is bad publicity and all that.

It doesn’t really matter. If I truly want to not have my thirties be another wasted decade, if I truly want to be a better person going forward, then I need to just get over it already.

Who knows, maybe on some level you do as well.

Hence the list.

1. LET GO OF THE PAST.

Everyone has done shit they aren’t proud of. If it seems that all you can remember are the mistakes you’ve made then good news! You are not a Sociopath. You are normal. Hell, if you feel bad and embarrassed about the way you’ve acted, then that might show you’ve improved with age. But constantly replaying your mistakes isn’t the same as learning from them. Wallowing in self-pity is not the same as growing as a person. We all make mistakes. Some of us make a lot of mistakes. But as long as we are alive, we have a chance to be better. Our past should not be who we are.

2. ACCEPT THAT NOBODY WILL FIX YOU; ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT

We all have, at one time or another, liked someone who doesn’t like us back. This can be either romantically or platonically, but it all levels out when you are sat in front of your social media outlet of choice, refreshing the page again and again in the hope that they’ve liked or commented or messaged you. Thinking that your life would be better if you had that friendship or this Girl/Boyfriend is an insidious trap to fall into because you try to change into someone you aren’t to make yourself more appealing. Or at the very least you try to become the sort of person you think they would find appealing. It is doomed to failure, of course; trying to change to impress someone always is. You come across as desperate and insincere at best. They drift further away and you race after them, becoming more desperate and insincere, they drift further away…it’s not worth it. They can’t fix your life. They wouldn’t know how even if you asked them. Only you-the authentic you-can do that.

3. LEARN TO LISTEN

Everyone has problems. Everyone. Even the people who are getting married or having kids or travelling around the world while you are sitting at home on your own watching Netflix. Everyone. While it is a good idea to talk your way through your problems with people you trust, there comes a point where you need to remember to sit down and let someone else share. The more you talk, the more dramatic you get, the more convinced you are that your problems are the only ones to matter. This of course means you become more and more isolated. A truly good person is one who is capable of listening and who shows a willingness to learn from other people. Not in a selfish way, but in the sense that they want to make life better for those around them. And if you hear others and help others, then you are a member of a community. Not some weirdo shouting their latest drama into the void.