A couple of days ago, the BBC announced plans to cut costs by almost fifteen million pounds while somehow finding the cash to make itself “more distinctive”. One of the casualties of the planned cuts was its Food Website, which under the proposals would be mothballed and the recipes archived. However, after a massive outcry and an online petition, The BBC has announced that it will be keeping most of its most popular recipes online. Rather than closing down the BBC Food Website completely, most of the recipes will now be found on the BBC Good Food site. I do love a happy ending, don’t you?
At the risk of sounding bitter, I can’t remember anyone making that big a fuss a couple of years ago when my recipe website was under threat. I will be the first to admit that recipes such as “Breadsticks and Raisins” and tips on how to hide and dispose of Potatoes might not have been for everyone, but if more people had given SafetyFoods.org a chance who knows what might have been?
As it happens I have a new batch of recipes that I have developed over the past few months. And bonus-these ones actually have food in them! I hope you’ve bought your sense of adventure as well as appetite, constant reader. You’re about to discover how the other half that lives alone and distrusts ovens lives.
-Time taken to cook: 5 mins.
-You will need: 1 saucepan, 1 wooden spoon, 1 packet of Dolmio sauce, a pair of scissors, Netflix
Boil some water in a saucepan. Open the packet and put the Gnocchi in the water. Cut open the packet of Dolmio sauce and put sauce in microwave for 1 minute. Strain the Gnocchi and add the sauce. Eat in front of an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelpia, ignoring the fact that even someone like Dennis seems to be better with people than you.
-Time to cook: 3 minutes.
-You will need: a tin opener, a microwave.
Really? You really need me to tell you how to do this, really? I mean Jesus you don’t even need a tin opener really. You can open tins by pulling a tab now. Okay. Fine. Open tin. Pour soup into bowl. Put bowl in microwave. Remember to cover the bowl to prevent it exploding all over the microwave. Eat. No, don’t eat the cover. God help us all.
CHICKEN LATTICE AND VEGETABLES
-Time to cook: 25 minutes
-You will need: An oven, a microwave, croquette potatoes, frozen vegetables.
Put the Lattice and Croquette potatoes on a baking tray and put them in the oven for twenty-five minutes. When you have four minutes left, put the frozen veg in the microwave and nuke those bad boys. Think about possible ideas for lunches and breakfasts. Everyone knows how to make Toast and Sandwiches. It would be silly to even try to tell people what to do, especially after that whole section about Soup. Decide to leave it alone and briefly toy with the “Breadsticks and Raisins” idea again. Realise you have burnt your Lattice while thinking about other food. Serves you right, you culinary slut.
Next time: how to eat Peanut Butter straight from the jar without it getting gross.