Yearning from Afar or what Three Unrequited Crushes in a row can teach you

On Monday, I tried and failed to join Tinder. To cut a long story short, I decided that my shaky mental health, lack of social grace, and the fact I resemble a sock filled with gravel did not an attractive proposition make. I wrote a Blog about it. We all have our own way of dealing with things, I suppose.

I still don’t know why exactly I tried to join Tinder. I know from experience that things do not go well when I start feeling romantic. Just ask any one of the three girls I have properly taken a liking to since the age of sixteen. I should say, however, if you want an account of my love life (why?) you have come to the wrong place.  I am not going to name names, nor am I going to attempt to justify my behaviour while any of us were in the same circles. Not a single one of them deserved the awkwardness and the humiliation and the downright creepiness at times.  They were my friends, or at least could have been if I hadn’t constantly overstepped and placed them in uncomfortable situations. I am truly sorry. And that’s all the self-pity you will get from this blog.

What I can say is that if you develop a crush on a friend, your best bet is to leave until you are over it. Or never come back if you feel you cannot. You see, situations like the ones described usually have one of three outcomes:

1) They return your affections and everything works out

2) They return your affections, things don’t work out, and you end up not being friends anymore

3) They don’t return your affections and the friendship ends because they can’t be around you.

All three of those outcomes, of course, depend on you actually telling the person you have a crush on that you fancy them. You could always keep it to yourself-or at least never discuss it with them-and hope they never work it out for themselves.  Which is possibly the worst thing you can do, because all that means is you are just pretending to be someone’s friend and exploiting their trust. Which is shoddy behaviour considering you are supposed to care about this individual, friend or not.

I can’t tell you what to do if someone likes you back, because I have yet to experience anyone liking me in that sense full stop. What I can say is that if you are lucky enough to be friends with someone, don’t wish for anything more. Maintain what you have at a respectable distance. Don’t pine or make any declarations to people who honestly don’t want to hear it. All that leads to is you sitting in a flat by yourself.

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A very Tasteful Dick Pic

Let’s make one thing clear. I think Nude Pix are gross. I find the very idea that someone would put pressure on someone they are supposed to care about to take one and send it to them to do with what they will abhorrent and a deep violation of trust. I also find it bizarre that you would send unsolicited nudes to people you are trying to-what, impress? Turn on? Make laugh? All without considering these photos of your genitals could well end up on the internet until the Heat Death of the Universe. 


Saying that, if you, Constant Reader, wants to take a picture of your reproductive organs and send them to a friend, I can do nothing to stop you. All I can do is tell you that if you have come to this decision based on promoting from whoever you happen to be seeing, don’t. Tell someone. Because the sort of person who would ask to see you naked via text is probably the last person you want anywhere near you. You are better than that.

Now with the PSA out of the way, let’s take some pictures!

The first thing you will want to do is establish a location. Somewhere with a good amount of light, but at the same time somewhere you can make use of shadow to give the image a bit of class and mystique. Consider using a filter. These can be found on your Phone or Tablet and can make even the quickest snaps in the toilet of Costa Coffee minor works of art. There is nothing more appealing than a sepia-toned John Thomas or a Vagina that has doggy ears courtesy of SnapChat.

Next, if you are a man, consider how aroused you should be. Have your previous dealings with the person in question indicated that size matters to them in any way? If so, are they more interested in length or girth? Only you know for sure what they will like. However, if not, try and get semi-hard for a picture that is the best of both worlds.

Then think about decoration. Are you going to send a raw image? Or are you thinking of sprucing the thing up a bit, maybe with some glitter or a thumbs up next to your exposed appendage? Try to avoid the temptation to put yourself in the picture, i.e, any angle from which the reciepient might see your face. You have a lovely face. Certainly nicer than than that thing in your pants, but they don’t want to see that right now. Or they do and want to blackmail you once they have finished wanking. In short, keep it simple.

Click! Don’t kid yourself. You do not need a wide-angle lens.

Finally, now the deed is done, get ready to send. Do not use Facebook. Or Twitter. Especially not Instagram. Use good old-fashioned text messaging or morse code if you can move your junk fast enough. Then make it quite clear that if these pictures were ever shared in the event of breakup or boredom, you will visit upon them the wrath of God. We’re talking Biblical, Samuel-L-Jackson-in-Pulp Fiction level shit. They have been warned.

Now wash your hands and go get a Mocha or something. You need it.

I hope you find this useful. Or at the very least realise that you are just as bad as me for reading it.

A blow-by-blow account of my five minutes on Tinder.

Earlier this week, I made the short-lived decision to join Tinder. Tinder, for those who don’t know or possess the social skills to attract a mate in real life, is a social media website and app which enables users to meet people in their local area for dates, casual hookups, and ritualistic virgin sacrifices. Tinder users are presented with a series of profiles and are told to swipe right if they like what they see or swipe left if they do not. Anyone who has been swiped right will then be available to chat to online and hopefully progress things further. I am not going to explain what happens on a Date because in all honesty I have no fucking idea.


I’m not sure what influenced my decision that fateful Monday eve. Maybe I was tired and stressed out from work and needed a hug. Maybe I thought it would be nice to talk about  The Flash with someone. Maybe I realised that I was twenty-six and about as sexually experienced as a Monk whose hands had been eaten by a Bear. Whatever the reason, I threw caution to the wind and downloaded the Tinder app to my phone. I set up a profile through my Facebook account. And five minutes later deleted it in a blind panic.

What follows is a brief account of the events as they unfolded. 

16:50-I officially join Tinder. Almost immeadiately I am presented with images of women and asked to decide which ones I like the look of. Fair play, Tinder, straight to the point. I swipe left, I swipe right. I notice my Profile Picture and am reminded that I am actually pretty ugly.

16:51-Swiping has been temporarily abandoned in order to take a decent picture. Apparently Tinder has had a hard time with this one as well, because the only pictures it took from my Facebook page are of me far away or with my face covered. Still, at least it’s better than the interests Tinder got from my Facebook Likes. I can live with  Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and The Guardian, but do people really need to know how annoyed I would be if God didn’t look like Morgan Freeman?

16:52-Deciding to clear up my Likes later, I go back to taking a photo. I come to two conclusions while doing so-1) I should never smile. EVER. And 2) Oh God, what if this actually works? It is a pretty long shot, but so was Trump and now Transgender kids in the US probably won’t be able to use public toilets.

16:53-I mean, it probably won’t, right? I won’t have to make small talk or make eye contact  or do anything that will betray my complete lack of experience and lead my date to believe that she has made a huge mistake or is probably talking to a serial killer. I will just be rejected. Again. And again. And again.

16:54-Oh God, what am I going to say?! Will I need to say anything with a photo like that? I should have gone with the hoodie pic. They might think I’m the Flash? Which would be a conversation starter, but what if they want a demonstration? I am not that fast, you guys.


16:55-You know what? I am probably not in the right place for this right now. That’s what I’ll keep telling myself. Deleted!

The movie adaption, directed by Richard Curtis, will be in Cinemas soon and on Netflix even sooner.

Getting Play the Langley Way

If you are reading this, you probably spent yet another Valentine’s Day alone. Which is just fine. No, really. It was. Who cares that Instagram was basically held hostage for twenty-four hours by people who look sickeningly happy? Who gives a toss that you had to order twice the amount of Pizza in order to prevent the Dominos Man thinking you are a complete loser? And why should you worry about how many drunken photos of your genitals you sent out like lures on a NSFW fish hook?

You can try and deny it all you want, but face facts-you were by yourself on the most Romantic day of the year. Which is just wrong, ammirite? Everyone needs love. I know I do. Which is why I’ve come up with a full-proof method to attract anyone, of any sex, anytime, anywhere. Just follow my advice and you’ll be beating them off with a fairly large stick.

1) Know what you Want.

This is important. There is a big difference between an admiring glance and thinking “I need me some of that”, regardless of what those fat cats at Tinder might think.  Do you want to spend as much time as possible with this person? Do you have daydreams where you both are curled up on the sofa together, listening to the rain with no-one bothering you at all? Is everything you say to them completely, ball-twistingly dumb? If the answer to these questions is “yes”, then chances are you are looking for something serious. If “no”, chances are that you are not. That simple.

2) Find something to talk about…Then don’t!

Common interests can move you closer together. But why run the risk? It will come as no surprise to anyone that any intellect or original opinions you might have will desert you when faced with a crush. Left with recycled bits of Twitter comments and half-baked theories that sound good in your head but eventually trail off into nothing, no wonder they will awkwardly make their excuses and leave to file some sort of injunction. Just play it cool. Casual. Neutral. You neither like nor dislike things. You are a sexy blank slate on which they can paint a masterpiece. I’m assuming people can pick this up from body language.

3) Stand in a Corner

I perfected this move at University. Let’s say you are in the same room as someone you like. How do you present yourself in such a way that might make them notice you? Simple. Stand in the Corner-like, the furthest corner of the room-and don’t talk to anyone. And I mean anyone! Generate an air of mystique by silently staring at the floor. If you have a bottle, spend twenty minutes picking the label off. At the end of the night, quickly make your excuses and leave without looking at them. Putty. In. Your. Hands.

If you are in a round room, you are on your own.

4) Make the most of Social Media.

Some people use Facebook, Twitter and other social media websites to talk to others. These people are strange. What Social Media is for is obsessive research. And looking at photos of your crush while listening to Tegan and Sara. Look who is leaving messages on their Wall. List their likes. Go into a depressed stupor if they change their relationship status. Quietly celebrate if they change their relationship status. It’s basic Facebook stalking but with more butterflies.

5) Be open with your Feelings with Everyone EXCEPT Them.

Just because you can’t find the words to tell the object of your desire how you feel, that doesn’t mean you can’t tell anyone else. Tell everyone. Tell your best friend, your roommate, your parents. They will love to hear all about your feelings and will almost certainly never get bored of having to explain to you why pursuing your crush might be a bad idea if said crush is already in a happy relationship, interested in someone else, on the moon, or secretly a HYDRA agent.

6) Talk about your Personal Problems. Extensively.

There is nothing sexier than debt, addiction, or mental illness. Or even just how badly your day is going.
For more tips like these, check out my new book How to Trick Someone Into Liking You.