Recently, I’ve been trying to further my writing career by getting published on Cracked.com, one of America’s premier humor websites and a perfectly acceptable substitute to whatever it is you do at work. As you can imagine, I have been rejected a number of times, and thus I am left with a collection of pitches that are too vague, too passive-aggressive or just not funny enough to be published by a reputable website.
This is not a reputable website. This is my blog. And since my work has to go somewhere…
6 REASONS YOU WEREN’T INVITED TO THE WEDDING
When we reach a certain age, our friends start getting married. Good for them, you might think. However, it is my sad duty to inform you that you aren’t invited to the wedding. Any of them. Oh, I know, it seemed as things were going great-didn’t they follow you on Instagram just a month ago?-but, well, there is a big difference between liking the occasional photo and wanting you to be around on their big day. You see…
–Despite what you think, you are not fun drunk
In your defence, is anyone, really? Yes. Yes they are. Unlike you. Getting drunk at a wedding isn’t the done thing-sure, you can get a little tipsy, but it is generally considered bad form to get hammered on what should be the happiest day of your friend’s lives.They were there when you started talking to that trash can. They were there when you picked a fight with that microwave. And they know how you start ordering pizzas and forget that you have to pay for them. So you can see why they would want to keep someone like you away from the open bar.
–You enjoy surprising your friends with elaborate musical performances
I’m not saying that your friends don’t enjoy music. No-one is saying that! They just don’t like bands turning up unannounced at important stages of their lives. Like when a Gospel Choir crashed their graduation ceremony. Or when Elton John appeared to serenade them as they went off on their Gap Year. The first couple of times it was considered quite funny, sweet even, but now such overblown and obviously expensive shows of affection have become a bit weird and worse-predictable. If you came to the wedding there is a good chance Maroon 5 would not be too far behind. And nobody wants that.
–You may be in love with the Bride
Or at least you think you are. Look, it’s a miracle they put up with this for as long as they did. You were not exactly subtle about your crush, were you? They must have known. That would be the logical reason why your invite never appeared-everyone wants to avoid a Graduate-style situation, because that sort of thing almost never works in real life. Especially you. Who needs it? One last chance to show them what a good person you are to make up for all the awkwardness,, to make them finally see and just like that you’re pathetic again Good work!
–There was that time you Pushed the Groom down the Stairs
That wasn’t cool. Why did you even do that? Maybe you were horseplaying. Maybe you let your jealousy get the better of you for a moment (see above) But for some reason, you pushed the Groom down the stairs. And there were a lot of them! You on the third story, he must have gone down at least two flights before stopping. Which is kind of impressive if you think about it-who knew you had that level of upper body strength?-but it can’t have helped that your first instinct was to run away and then try to claim that there was ice on the steps. In the middle of July.
–And let’s not forget the stuff with the Fire
It started innocently enough. No-one else would have thought as dressing up as Charizard for Halloween. Five or six beers (see above, r.e: not a fun drunk) and an argument with a couple of you remaining roommates about how it might be the right time to express your feelings (see above r.e: still in love with the bride) and suddenly your college dorm room looked like a Nelly video with less shirtless people and more screaming people. On a more positive note, you perfected your flamethrower technique. That won’t serve as much comfort to those people who lived in the floor above you, but I’m sure that will cheer you up.
–In short, You tend to make things about you
Like just now, for instance. Come on-do you really think they remember you doing any of that stuff? Yeah, probably, but it’s just as likely that they just kind of dislike you and have no clear recollection why. You are not that important! Own it! Take it as an opportunity not to passive-aggressively fill their Facebook message inboxes but to learn something about the importance of putting others first. Of thinking before you speak and act, of respecting people’s boundaries, of….
You’ve stopped listening. And-what is that? Why do you have a Telescope AND a firehose? What possible…you know what, screw it. I tried. Enjoy your restraining order, jerk.