6 Reasons You Weren’t invited to the wedding

Recently, I’ve been trying to further my writing career by getting published on Cracked.com, one of America’s premier humor websites and a perfectly acceptable substitute to whatever it is you do at work. As you can imagine, I have been rejected a number of times, and thus I am left with a collection of pitches that are too vague, too passive-aggressive or just not funny enough to be published by a reputable website. 

This is not a reputable website. This is my blog. And since my work has to go somewhere…

6 REASONS YOU WEREN’T INVITED TO THE WEDDING

When we reach a certain age, our friends start getting married. Good for them, you might think. However, it is my sad duty to inform you that you aren’t invited to the wedding. Any of them. Oh, I know, it seemed as things were going great-didn’t they follow you on Instagram just a month ago?-but, well, there is a big difference between liking the occasional photo and wanting you to be around on their big day. You see…
Despite what you think, you are not fun drunk

In your defence, is anyone, really? Yes. Yes they are. Unlike you. Getting drunk at a wedding isn’t the done thing-sure, you can get a little tipsy, but it is generally considered bad form to get hammered on what should be the happiest day of your friend’s lives.They were there when you started talking to that trash can. They were there when you picked a fight with that microwave. And they know how you start ordering pizzas and forget that you have to pay for them. So you can see why they would want to keep someone like you away from the open bar. 

You enjoy surprising your friends with elaborate musical performances

I’m not saying that your friends don’t enjoy music. No-one is saying that! They just don’t like bands turning up unannounced at important stages of their lives. Like when a Gospel Choir crashed their graduation ceremony. Or when Elton John appeared to serenade them as they went off on their Gap Year. The first couple of times it was considered quite funny, sweet even, but now such overblown and obviously expensive shows of affection have become a bit weird and worse-predictable. If you came to the wedding there is a good chance Maroon 5 would not be too far behind. And nobody wants that. 

You may be in love with the Bride

Or at least you think you are. Look, it’s a miracle they put up with this for as long as they did. You were not exactly subtle about your crush, were you? They must have known. That would be the logical reason why your invite never appeared-everyone wants to avoid a Graduate-style situation, because that sort of thing almost never works in real life. Especially you. Who needs it? One last chance to show them what a good person you are to make up for all the awkwardness,, to make them finally see and just like that you’re pathetic again Good work!

There was that time you Pushed the Groom down the Stairs
That wasn’t cool. Why did you even do that? Maybe you were horseplaying. Maybe you let your jealousy get the better of you for a moment (see above) But for some reason, you pushed the Groom down the stairs. And there were a lot of them! You on the third story, he must have gone down at least two flights before stopping. Which is kind of impressive if you think about it-who knew you had that level of upper body strength?-but it can’t have helped that your first instinct was to run away and then try to claim that there was ice on the steps. In the middle of July.

And let’s not forget the stuff with the Fire
It started innocently enough. No-one else would have thought as dressing up as Charizard for Halloween. Five or six beers (see above, r.e: not a fun drunk) and an argument with a couple of you remaining roommates about how it might be the right time to express your feelings (see above r.e: still in love with the bride) and suddenly your college dorm room looked like a Nelly video with less shirtless people and more screaming people. On a more positive note, you perfected your flamethrower technique. That won’t serve as much comfort to those people who lived in the floor above you, but I’m sure that will cheer you up.

In short, You tend to make things about you

Like just now, for instance. Come on-do you really think they remember you doing any of that stuff? Yeah, probably, but it’s just as likely that they just kind of dislike you and have no clear recollection why. You are not that important! Own it! Take it as an opportunity not to passive-aggressively fill their Facebook message inboxes but to learn something about the importance of putting others first. Of thinking before you speak and act, of respecting people’s boundaries, of….

You’ve stopped listening. And-what is that? Why do you have a Telescope AND a firehose? What possible…you know what, screw it. I tried. Enjoy your restraining order, jerk. 

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So You want to start a Superhero Team

The world is a scary, hate-filled place right now. America is fast heading toward a Dictatorship, Europe is unstable, the Middle East is a mess. You  might say, to paraphrase the immortal Bonnie Tyler, that we need a hero. We’re holding out for a hero. Or a whole bunch of them. 


Now I know what you’re thinking.  How does one go about forming a team of superheroes? What are the running costs? Should you advertise on Linkdn? Where should your base of operations be? 

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions, I’m not a Doctor. 

What I am is a fan with far too much time on his hands. With the aid of several graphic novels, some Marvel movies and four consecutive nights binge-watching the Arrowverse, I have come up with an idea of who you might need to form an effective crime fighting unit. 

THE FLYING BRICK

The basic Superhero. Flight (or jumping really high), Super Strength, Bulletproof, some form of enhanced senses. You know the type. Kind of generic in terms if powers, but these ones are almost always good moral compasses. They believe in people and teamwork and doing the right thing and you will want to strangle them but for the fact they are always good for an inspirational speech.

THE NINJA

They have no powers. They don’t need powers. They are a human weapon proficient with fists, blades and projectiles. They have a dark past that will almost certainly come back to bite you all in the arse.

THE TECH

These guys might not have powers either. They are the smartest people in the room, they probably have robot suits of armour, and they will make the pop culture references so you don’t have to.

THE MYSTIC

They might be a wizard. Or a demon. Or be possessed by a magic totem. They are your gateway to the unknown realms of sorcerery. They are at least as clever as the Tech, just in a different direction and fewer references to pop culture. At some point they will have you fight Cthulhu. Good luck!

THE ELEMENTAL

They can freeze you. Or burn you. Or summon a thunderstorm, or breathe underwater. They are your connection to the Earth and all the things Greenpeace like. Their element often reflects their personality, so at least you know what you are getting with them.

THE ALIEN

Sometimes overlaps with the flying brick. They don’t understand humans, they are often tragically the last of their kind, and are often telepaths orshape-shifters. Or both. All of which is incredibly useful.

THE SPEEDSTER.

Every team needs a Speedster. Or maybe I’m biased.

 

You aren’t heroes. You’re Legends. Or something.

What we have talk about when we talk about Sleep

Previously on My Blog,  I returned to blogging even though I would look like a gigantic wanker that didn’t quite grasp the concept of The Last Blog I would ever write. I also started writing other things, most notably pitches for articles that I hope may one day be published on actual websites, which would hopefully be the first step on the road to getting  my stories published and then adapted for TV by HBO. Or E4. I’m flexible.


Today I want to take a break from my renewed sense of purpose to talk about how little sleep I’ve been getting recently. I just cannot seem to switch off the energy that came with all these positive feelings I have had over the past couple of weeks. Don’t get me wrong, it has made a nice change from barely being able to move and getting stressed out over the slightest thing, but after a fortnight or so of going for a run at five in the morning or jumping out of bed at one a.m to brainstorm some new idea that won’t survive the light of day, the novelty is beginning to wear off.

Fortunately for everyone who made it past that paragraph, this is not a complaining blog anymore, apparently. No. This is a do something Blog, and I will do something about my weird maniac insomnia rather than whine about it as is my wont. After a few hours intense Googling, I have found some useful hints and tips to get to sleep that you can use too, if like me you are having trouble getting some shut eye. Tips like…

1. Eat a Smaller Dinner. I won’t do this for reasons that should be abundantly clear by now, but you can try it.

2. Meditate. It works for Yoda. So it follows that you might be able to move things with your mind if you do it enough

3. Turn your phone off. Like many of you, I was surprised that they could be turned off.

4. Watch Taboo on BBC1. Seriously, what is the appeal of Tom Hardy?

5. Horse tranquillisers. Lots and lots of Horse tranquillisers. Like, three at a go. If you survive the overdose, congratulate yourself with Peanut Butter on toast. Yum!

Good Night!

Before we go, I would like to thank the people who sent me Facebook messages over the past few weeks. The support meant a lot, and it was nice to know that I have actual readers who are willing to take some time out to try and cheer me up. So thank you, all of you.

Potential: The Musical

Just before Christmas, I quit blogging. I was sick and tired and sick of feeling sick and tired, and I thought that the best thing I could do would be just not to talk-or write-about it anymore.  Especially when everyone else had their own problems and probably lacked the patience to listen to mine.

So I wrote an entry worthy of a mid-2000’s emo rock group, and went off to dwell on things that probably shouldn’t be thought about too much.

At some point during the past few weeks, I started actually thinking. I realised that I had a choice. I could either stay where I was-upset, scared, hoping against hope that people who I have seen a scant handful of times in years didn’t remember me as the bad person that I obviously am-or I could move forward. I could accept the fact that I had made mistakes and learn from them. I could change. I could actually be better, instead of just talking about it.

I realised that one of the ways I could be better would be to do something about becoming a writer. I have been published on a few blogs and websites, but the opportunities came to me, not the other way around. Which isn’t really how things get done in the real world.

Fortunately, I knew that Cracked.com, a very funny website and one of my favourite places to link to when I am trying to prove a point about movies, is open to submissions from aspiring writers, so I wrote something that I thought they might like and sent it off.

Good news: I got Feedback. One of the moderators said it showed promise. Another, an actual comedy writer, said it was funny (!).

Bad news: It’s not going to be published. The Pitch didn’t meet their standards. But…

Good news (2)-I now know what they want. And I can keep submitting articles as long as I have ideas.

I have a few other things I am working on. Getting published on Cracked or a similar website seems like a good first step. If anyone reading this knows of a website accepting submissions, please let me know.

In the meantime…

Now that my first pitch to Cracked will never see the light of day, it’s probably safe to share it with my loyal readers, or what is left of them after I publicly picked up my toys and went home. So without any further ado, allow me to share with you my first pitch….

5 REASONS LIVING IN A MUSICAL WOULD SUCK.

Image result for la la land

Whether you love the Theatre or kind of over-hyped award bait that can’t even make it’s trailers interesting kind of over-hyped award bait that can’t even make it’s trailers interesting, everyone enjoys a good musical. It does not make you any less of a man to admit that. But how much fun would it actually be to live in a world where everyone around you could burst into song at a moment’s notice? Not very, as it turns out.

1.No-One could do their jobs.

We all the know the speech from Glengarry Glen Ross off by heart by now, so it will not surprise you to learn that when you go to work they expect you to work.. There are whole websites dedicated to explaining the best way to achieve a productive working environment is to separate an employee’s personal and working lives. Which, if all the employees were prone to start singing, would be all but impossible. There is no real way to mediate a duet that lists everything both parties dislike about each other or a way to make sure singing employees stay out of the way of people trying to do their jobs. And what about all the working hours wasted? Unless Employers become so used to their companies barely making a profit due to the fact that none of their staff is actually working, then unemployment would go through the roof. Which would give the former employees even more to sing about. And the cycle would continue.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJQo4cVexww

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rV50hD2thAc

 

Social Mobility would grind to a halt

The underlying message of most Musicals is to be happy with your lot. The protagonists of the Book of Mormon go right back to trying to convert people to their faith. Hairspray treats the abolition of Negro Day as the ultimate victory, the best the Civil Rights movement can hope for. Even the kids in The Descendents just go from one evil camp to another, because really, who would bring people back from the dead just to throw them in Prison? When even the main supporters of social change are basically happy with the status quo, it is pretty clear that human society will stagnate and ultimately collapse. It’s a wonder High School Musical wasn’t segregated.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKkLV1zE8M0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5MUkCc28NE

 

Civil Liberties would be completely eroded

How are Police expected to control large-scale musical numbers? Yes, you might get the occasional soulful confession, but that would be completely undercut by the sheer amount of resources it would take to make sure all the second act showstoppers didn’t collide with each other.  Not to mention the fact that some of these crowd-pleasing numbers would be the catalyst for severe civil unrest a la Les Miserables. The only way to keep society tearing itself apart would be to turn it into a Police state.  And even if by some miracle civil rights managed to remain intact….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMYNfQlf1H8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxoC5Oyf_ss

 

Privacy would be impossible

Privacy is a basic human right. But when you are compelled to share your innermost thoughts and desires with anyone who happens to be in earshot, and who may even join in by sharing their own /secrets, then the whole concept of personal privacy becomes moot. Without even the semblance of a filter you get on social media, the deepest and most warped aspects and desires of humanity would toe-tap their way out into public knowledge. Which of course would include all your secrets. And even if by the end of the day you get some sort of resolution thanks to a Third Act medley, people would still know what you truly believe or feel. That knowledge never goes away, and thanks to Musical’s general desire for some sort of happy ending, the fallout from this is never truly explored. Except you would have to. Every day. While you were singing your heart out in someone else’s self-destructive song and dance.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAfMZ_vWJDo

 

You would die alone

People in musicals are very easy to manipulate. By the end of the song, anyone who happens to be in the room with the person instigating the song has been completely won over to their way of thinking. Mary Poppins singing about a spoonful of sugar is just one example off whimsical mental conditioning-if you heard about someone inserting themselves into a family and using underhanded methods to gain the love and trust of the children present, you would call the police and would be right to do so. Now imagine if that could happen to you at any time. How could you trust anyone, knowing that they could essentially brainwash you by dancing? How could anyone trust you? Your friends, loved ones, co workers, all would abandon you in an attempt to preserve their own free will. And you would happily let them go.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLkp_Dx6VdI&list=PLYa7XfaRiMA7UKN6xNJ6vSD7RHFoC31Kp&index=6

 

Hey, they thought it was funny.