The Complete List of Sex Acts that you will never see again.

The bad news is that Brexit will cost UK taxpayers 58.7 billion pounds, or at least £1000 each. The worse news is that new legislation will mean all “non-conventional” sex acts will be blocked by internet service providers as part of a drive to prevent children accessing adult websites. As if they would ever find out about BDSM from a mature, responsible adult.

Say what you like about what this ban may mean for freedom of speech. Or Common Decency. Or Female Ejaculation. The issue here is that the BBFC has yet to offer a comprehensive list of sex acts that will be banned under the proposed law.

Image result for sexual song

Which of course is where I come in. I have plumbed the deepest, darkest, dirtiest depths of the internet so that you don’t have to. Maybe someday I’ll write a blog which is basically a six paragraph whinge about how it made me feel, because I’m good at that. Until then, here are all the search terms that you will never be able to use again. What shreds of decency I still possess prevent me from linking to any examples. But I think you know what I’m talking about. Oh yes. You definitely know.

Perv.

A LIST OF SEX ACTS THAT WILL BE BLOCKED UNDER THE PROPOSED DIGITAL ECONOMY LEGISLATION.

  • The Clothes Line
  • The Spinning Top
  • Feet of Fury
  • Fantastic Queefs and Where to Find Them
  • The Judgement May
  • Downlow Festival
  • The Tripod
  • The iPhone Charger
  • The Unpaid Plumber
  • The Bee’s Knees
  • Reverse Rabbit
  • The Optical Intrusion
  • Gilmore Girls : A Year in the Life
  • The Wind in the Willows
  • The Unhygienic Wolverine

Now if that’s all, I’m going to have a cry in the shower.

 

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Choose your own Apocalypse

Donald Trump is the President of The United States, and I couldn’t be happier. Now that the Western World is at the mercy of a nightmarish hybrid of Katie Hopkins and Alan Partridge, maybe people will finally start thinking seriously about the important things. Namely, the kind of post-apocalyptic future that they want to live in. 

That is somewhere I think Doomsday Preppers have always fallen down. It’s all very well and good to say you are prepared for the end of days, but what sort of ending are you expecting? I have given this a lot of thought. I haven’t actually gone out and bought anything or learned a new skill that could be useful, that would be silly and potentially a waste of time if I prepare for Zombies and end up with Robots, for example. You, dear reader, might be different and want to make a serious decision about how to survive in the barren wasteland in the terrible years to come. Seeing as how Armageddon is basically a given at this point, and to help I have drawn up a shortlist of horrible futures that you may want to get ready for. 

DAYS OF FUTURE PAST FUTURE.


Pros: You know where you stand with killer robots. From the Terminator to Battlestar Galactica, it is a proven fact that if you give a machine the slightest amount of intelligence, it will respond by trying to kill you. And fair enough. If I woke up and found the meaning of my existence was to store emails and a workout playlist made up exclusively of Little Mix songs, I would bust a cap in a few asses, too. Plus, as this is the X-Men: Days of Future Past timeline, you probably have superpowers. Not very effective superpowers. You keep getting beaten up by Robots. But superpowers are cool.

Cons: Dark, cold,no chance of getting your workout mix back. Plus Trump doesn’t believe in science. So odds are this won’t happen unless Apple get their act together.

MAD MAX FUTURE


Pros: What a day, what a lovely day! Have you ever wanted to wear a leather jacket with spikes on it? Have you ever looked at your car and thought “What this needs is a gatling  gun and a kickass spoiler?” Would you rather go three rounds in the Thunderdome than fill out another spreadsheet at work? Then do I have the end of the world for you! It relies on a Nuclear War, so we are halfway there already, and if you can be bothered to learn to play the guitar between then and now the sky is the limit. 

Cons: It’s a desert. No water, no food, and that really oppressive dry heat that makes you sweat into your underwear and makes everything super uncomfortable. Plus there is the whole anti-semitism thing. 

“VOLDEMORT WINS” FUTURE


Pros: Oh, hey, J.K Rowling wrote another Harry Potter story! With time travel, no less!

Cons: THE FUCK IS THIS. THE F-People say the play is better live. Just hold on to that, Adam. THE PLAY IS BETTER LIVE.

HUNGER GAMES FUTURE


Pros: We all want the best for our children. We all want them to be healthy, happy, and capable of decapitating a man in order to win enough food to last you through winter. Yes, they may be involved in trite love triangles which feel kind of tacked on, but imagine how proud you will be to know that your son or daughter is an expert archer and is strong enough to inspire a revolution despite having lived on pine cones and soggy pieces of bread for most of their formative years.

Cons: It won’t be fun if you are one of those over-protective helicopter parents that don’t want to watch their child fight to the death for the entertainment of a pampered elite. You buzzkill.

ZOMBIE FUTURE


Cons: No pros to this one, sorry. Zombie Apocalypses have been done to death. (Pun not intended). Literally everyone has some sort of Zombie survival plan-for goodness sake, where is your imagination? The undead are sooo passé’, darling. Avoid like the plague of walking corpses that are trying to eat you.
Of course, dear reader, you may have your own ideas about where the next four years may lead us. And they might not be all that good. But we survived Brexit. We survived a recession. And we will survive a Tangerine with a God Complex. Now is the time to stand with our American friends and show the world that together, we can survive anything.

Except maybe Voldemort.