Adam’s Twenty-Five Minutes tops meals

The Great British Bake Off returns to our screens this Wednesday, and I for one couldn’t be more excited. For a whole seven or eight weeks, social media will be filled with posts from people who are desperate to prove that they too can create a Pastry that looks like a famous world landmark or a Cake depicting Mary Berry gently strangling that upstart Nadiya Hussain while a Daily Mail columnist applauds from the sidelines. After many failed experiments, these would-be bakers will buy a Victoria Sponge from ASDA, put a photo of it up on Instagram with the hashtag #MadeaThing, and then look for recipes they can actually follow without destroying half their kitchen or end up covered in flour, eggs and despair. 

And that’s where I come in!

Yes, Constant Reader, it’s time for another edition of Cooking With Adam, where I share three of my favourite recipes with you whether you want them or not. Why three? Well, unlike the literal Fat Cats of GBBO, I don’t believe in dragging Recipes out any longer than I have to. Come on, who has the time or patience to cook? Apart from people who are actually paid to be Chefs or are trying to make themselves feel better about the fact that they are unemployed? Honestly? No-one, that’s who. These recipes are for people who wouldn’t know one end of an egg beater from another and are absolutely fine with that because they have a life.

So without any further ado….

FISH NOODLES


You will need: 

Fish Filets in a Bag (Like This)

Microwaveable Bag of Noodles

A bowl

A plate

A Knife and Fork

You see where I am going with this.

Put the fish in the oven for about twenty-five minutes. At around the twenty-three minute mark, add a tablespoon of water to the noodles and stick them in the microwave. Put the noodles on the plate and put the fish on the noodles. Remember to remove the fish from the bag before eating. Done. It will probably not look like the picture. It will definitely not look like the picture.  Sorry. 

NUT BOX


Okay, this one isn’t really a recipe per se, but everyone needs a Nut Box in their life. You take one or two bags of nuts. Honey Roasted, Dry Roasted, whichever you prefer. You then get some Bombay Mix, some Yogurt-Coated Banana Chips, Peanuts or Dates and some Ginger and you empty them all into a lunchbox. Toss it a couple of times to mix it up a little and you’ve got yourself a Nut Box, the ideal snack for any occasion. Entertaining friends? Nut Box! Attending a Funeral? Nut Box! Power Cut? Nut Box! And the best bit? All of it comes from Poundland! Even the Box! Nut Box!!

HONEY-COATED ICE CREAM


You will need:

Vanilla Ice Cream

A squeeze bottle of Honey

A Bowl

A Spoon

For a quick and easy dessert, nothing beats some Honey Coated Ice Cream. Unless you want something out of the Nut Box. Go on. It’s a source of protein! Okay, maybe not the Ginger or the Yogurt stuff, but the nuts definitely and the Bombay Mix probably are, right? Oh sure, you could have Ice Cream, but then you would have no room for you Nut Box! Nut Box! NUT BOX!!!!!

Happy Eating.


NUT BOX!!!!!


Advertisements

Therapy Session

Sorry-I need to talk and the Dartford branch on MIND is being a pain in the butt R.E counselling sessions. Just bear with me, okay? I promise I’ll be back to timewasting nonsense in my next post.

For much of my life, I have preferred my own company. I avoided people because they were complicated and scary. When they did try to reach out-and for some reason they did try-I would do one of two things. Either I would retreat further into myself, hoping that they would get bored or frustrated and stop, or I would take things too far in an attempt to prove to them that they were right to take the time to talk to me.  This would normally take the form of buying presents for them, bombarding them with text messages and emails, and just generally being a nuiscance.

You can imagine that I took being a nuiscance up to eleven when I was attracted to someone. For those readers who have not seen Adam Langley in full courting plumage, then you are missing out. First comes the awkward attempts at making them laugh. Then comes the envy of their boyfriends-because  I don’t let something small like the fact that they are already in a relationship stop me-and anyone else I think they might fancy. Then comes a stammering, go-for-broke laughable excuse of asking them out before the whole thing collapses into self-loathing and comfort eating. The girl in question and all the people I have managed to pull into the drama almost never speaks to me again. How am I still single?

I would probably have an easier time judging situations involving the opposite sex if I made more of an effort to engage with people in general, but as I mentioned in the first paragraph I have only two modes when it comes to socialising: gratingly subservient and awkward stamd-offishness. Most people have trouble finding a way to connect with others, but they normally grow out of it by the end of their teenage years. I haven’t.

I have my Parents,  but I feel like I am imposing on them by turning up on their doorstep every Thursday and Saturday. The few friends I have managed to hold on to have moved on with their lives.  I’m alone. I live alone, I sleep alone, I eat dinner watching Netflix on my iPad. And I only have myself to blame.

If you have managed to get to the end of the blog, good for you. Go give someone close to you a hug now. You are very lucky to have them.