Birthday Drinks (or Overcoming Fear Foods Part Deux)

Previously, I decided that it was about time that I rediscovered the joy of eating and drinking things that for the past few years have filled me with utter dread. So far I’ve ordered my first Dominos Pizza in three years, reminded myself that I can only really cook Spaghetti Bolognaise, and determined that Peanut Butter Cup is the best flavour of Ben and Jerry’s and that saying otherwise was the cause of several wars. 

Food was not my only source of nutritional anxiety. During my anorexic years, I also developed a deep fear of any liquid that was not water, black coffee, or Green Tea. This has not really gone away. So as part of my ongoing campaign to get my appetite back I have resolved to start drinking things that taste good as well.  I have tried a few things now and, as previously with the foods I sampled, I have rated my drinks out of ten. Let’s dive in!

FRAPPE


I’ll be honest. Even before I got really sick, Frappes kind of left me cold. (Hur Hur). However, since it was my birthday yesterday, I figured that one of these would make a fine stand-in for a birthday cake until an actual cake came along. (Saying that, I could have bought a muffin or something. That would have made more sense. Why didn’t I buy a muffin? I suppose I might have been distracted. I wanted to finish my lunch and make it to the cinema in time for Power Rangers. Yes, I have seen Power Rangers, and you know what? I actually rather enjoyed it. Come at me, Bro). 

Anyway, I had a Frappe, and it was exactly as I remembered them. Okay, not great, just sort of there with way too much cream on top. But I had one and that was a bit of a win, right?

7/10

BUBBLE TEA


What is Bubble Tea? According to Wikipedia, it is a popular drink that originated in Taiwan. The two most popular varieties are Bubble Milk Tea with Tapioca Balls and Bubble Milk Green Tea with Tapioca Balls.. What Wikipedia failed to mention is that these things are kind of boring. But the stalk where they sell them in Bluewater is cool. It’s got all these pipes and neon lights and it’s all very futuristic. It’s a cool design and you feel cool ordering a drink there. Which is pretty much all it has going for it.

 

4/10

ALCOHOL


I was apprehensive about this one. I am not fun to be around drunk. The best thing that will happen is that I will get bored and confused by the multiple conversations going on around me that I can barely follow or understand and set fire to a menu. That actually happened once. On a night out with some University friends I got drunk and maudlin and started playing with the candle in the middle of the table. I melted a plastic spoon and burned a copy of the drinks menu before anyone noticed and quietly took it away from me.  It was still better than what I actually do when drunk, which is lose what filter I have and start telling everyone who will listen about what is going on at the moment. I will then get very depressed and anxious and will pick a fight with an inanimate object. So yeah, not a fun drunk. 

Oh, and I will get bored and go exploring. So my fellow drinkers wouldn’t have to put up with me for very long, but they would have to wait until the next morning to find out if  I was alive or dead.

I didn’t want to deal with that on my birthday. So went to the Harvester for my birthday meal, I just had unlimited refills on R Whites instead. All of which tasted the same, by the way. I mean the machine gives you the option of cherry or vanilla or whatever, but it all tastes like Lemonade. Bit of a con.

N/A

Think that just about covers it for now.

Oh, I might have to go private for my Autism Assessment now. This has nothing to do with drinks, it’s just a bit of a pain.

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The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul, or overcoming my list of fear foods.

I like to think that as far as the whole Anorexia thing goes, I’m doing fairly well. True, my emotional state sometimes leaves a lot to be desired but at least I don’t stop eating when things get too much anymore. That does not mean, however, that the fear of food is any less real. Far from it. The very thought of eating and drinking something outside the select list of what I have deemed acceptable (read: not likely to turn me into Bouncing Boy) is enough to prompt a freak-out the likes of which has not been seen since someone pointed out to me that I was in the middle of New York and the whole point of being on holiday is that you did something different in the morning.

It’s almost my birthday. And I don’t want to spend another year eating the same safe things and wondering what might have been. So for the past few days I have been challenging myself to eat what the normals eat and damn the consequences. Some foods I remember, some I forgot, some are completely new, some are just not as good sober, and I have rated all of them. Let’s tuck in.

DOMINOS PIZZA


To kick things off, I ordered a Pizza. I was so intent on getting the thing inside and eating it that I almost forgot to pay the delivery guy. I did pay him, but what could he have done if I hadn’t? He didn’t have a key fob to get into my block of flats. My neighbors have my back, so they wouldn’t have buzzed him in. I could have just sat on the stairs and ate the whole thing in front of him while he pounded away at the glass door like an impotent moth. I could have had free Pizza, but I chose the high road and paid for it. Because I’m that kinda guy.

It was good, though.

9/10

BEN AND JERRY’S ICE CREAM


Next, Ben and Jerry’s. What can I say about Ben and Jerry’s that hasn’t  already been said? Nothing. So instead I will tell you that “Castle on the Hill” is a blatant ripoff of “Summer of Sixty-Nine“. I don’t know how Ed Sheeran got away with it. He took a stanza from Bryan Adams, a verse from Nickleback and a couple of lines from Tom Jones, cobbled them together and called it an original song. It’s a fucking outrage is what it is. 

10/10 for the Peanut Butter Ice Cream

1/10 for thieves that somehow blagged their way onto Game of Thrones

PRETZELS.


I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what I was thinking here. I was out, I was peckish, they were there.

I mean, they were alright. Nothing amazing. Warm salty bread.

6.5/10

SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE


It’s hearty! It’s filling! It’s the only bloody thing I know how to cook! Seriously, this was my go-to meal while I was at Uni purely for the fact that I can’t actually prepare anything more complicated without setting something on fire. So it was nice to see it back.

8/10

OREO ICE CREAM SANDWICH.


AN OREO. MADE OUT OF MOTHERFUCKING ICE CREAM.

SO MANY YEARS WASTED. SO MANY WASTED YEARS.

I CAN’T. I JUST CAN’T. THE SCALE IS TOO WEAK.

Next: Drinks!

You know, if I don’t lose my nerve between now and the next post.

I’ve deleted my Dating Apps and replaced them with a Power Rangers Fighting Game. NO REGRETS.

A quick update….

My last entry was very depressing. Like, people messaging me to make sure I was okay depressing. They know who they are and I really appreciate it. One of them floated the idea that maybe I’m not in the right space for online dating right now. They had a point-those things are quite intense, especially if you are prone to freaking out like I am. 

So, just to let you know, I’ve given up online dating. (For now). I’ve deleted the apps off my phone, and now am free to pursue other interests safe in the knowledge that there is physically nothing I could do to make myself less sexually attractive.

With that in mind, I downloaded a game called Power Rangers: Legacy Wars. 


The gist of it is that Rita Repulsa has taken over the Morphin Grid, the source of the Ranger’s power. You, the player, have to recruit a team of Rangers from across time and continuities and take part in a series of turn-based battles to stop her. It is more fun than it has any right to be. Especially when you have unlocked the Green Ranger and have become an unstoppable killing machine.


Can we just talk about the Green Ranger for a second? I am fully aware that the character and the actor who played the character were famed douchebags who came in and stole the Red Ranger’s thunder. But come on, look at him. So cool. And his Zord is a Godzilla that you can control by playing the flute. 

And it can fire rockets from it’s fingers.

So cool…..

Five Year Plan

I’ve had a rough couple of days. Not in the sense that bad things have happened to me. Bad as in unjustifiably terrrified, lonely, angry, and so tired that even the smallest effort required a gargantuan effort. It was not fun. So my decision to write a blog about how I’m taking a break from online dating was ill-advised. You didn’t miss much. I mean, if it makes you feel better about your life choices to compare them to mine, then go read the previous entry. 

Otherwise, stick around for my efforts to slap a band-aid on the broken leg that is my mental state.

One of the reasons I got so low this time-one of the reasons I’m on a pretty much constant downer, if you think about it-is that I’m jealous. No other way of putting it. I look on social media and it seems like everything comes so easily for everyone else. They have friends who talk to them. They have jobs they are passionate about. They have flat mates and love and can travel around the world without freaking out. They always know what to do in a crisis. They are doing all the things they have dreamed of doing. 

I wish I could be like that. I wish that I wasn’t the type of person you tried to escape from at the first opportunity. I wish I could hold a conversation, I wish I was interesting enough to have people visit me, I wish change didn’t scare me so much. I wish I had something I cared about enough to pursue. Scratch that-I wish I was good at something. Like, legitimately good at something.

I guess I just wish I felt good about myself.

I don’t know what to do about it, not really.  I tried to make changes before and it didn’t work out. All I ended up doing was driving more people away and making a mess of everything.  So I suppose I’ll have to try again. Make another five year plan and try to stick to it.

Right. Okay. I five years I want to:

1) Publish a book. 

2) Learn a new skill

3) Make a friend 

The last one will be the most difficult. I know me. I know when people finally know me, they want nothing to do with me. I know I don’t really understand people anyway, so it’s not as though I would feel any less alone if I had a whole group of friends. But I can’t be alone forever, and so that means I will have to brave and put myself out there. With eye contact and everything.