Contrary to what you may have seen on Facebook, the news, or Game of Thrones, many people are actually pretty bored with politics.  A near continuous stream of elections, referendums, polls and debates have left the average voter as bored and cynical as a fifteen-year-old. 

I wasn’t going anywhere with that. Fifteen year olds are kind of bored and cynical as a rule.

Anyway, with just a week to go until polling day, all the political parties and UKIP are scrambling for ways to make Politics great again. And one of the ways that has been suggested is to really emphasise the shared U.K. Political Universe aspect.  While some may argue that the U.K. Political Universe is in actual fact our Universe and therefore cannot be cleverly connected in the manner of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, DC Cinematic Universe, The Universal Monster Universe, The Lego Movie Universe, or oh God what have we become, it hasn’t stopped our finest minds (and Me!) trying to give U.K politics it’s own interesting and exciting linked narrative.

Here is a sneak peek of the timeline of official events that will lead to U.K Election 3: The Snap Gauntlet.

MAN OF ETON

Our Story begins with the origin of David Cameron. A bite from decomposing Pig changes a young man’s destiny, forcing him to tap into new powers to face the forces of Social Equality.

CORBYN: THE FIRST AVENGER

Flashback to the early days of the Irish Troubles. A young Union spokesman is subjected to a procedure that makes him the perfect Left-Wing spokesman. 

CAPTAIN MAY-VEL

We’re not entirely sure what this one is about, but isn’t it awesome we have a female led instalment before Marvel?

GUARDIANS OF THE MIDDLE EAST

Tony Blair and his ragtag band of misfits attempt to bring democracy to Iraq and fail pretty fucking spectacularly, but the eighties soundtrack and antics from a tiny CGI baby Bush means this will be a hit for sure.

SUICIDE SQUAD

Gordon Brown, Iain Duncan Smith and the UKIP leadership are given exclusive interviews with  Channel Four News.

BORIS V CAMERON: DAWN OF BREXIT

Nigel Farage manipulates two of the mightiest Politicians in the land into fighting to the death. 

Stick around for the post-credit stinger featuring Jean Claude Junker and Slyvester Stallone.

At some point in your life, you will decide that you want to try to write a book and/or short story. Probably. I don’t know. The cameras I installed in your house went dead some time ago, and I have not found the opportunity to sneak back in to repair them. But assuming that you wake up one morning with an idea for a novel, novella or webcomic, there is something you should probably come to terms with now. Namely, the idea that a lot of people are going to say No to you.

It really shouldn’t be a surprise that not everyone is going to like your work. J.K. Rowling got rejected by numerous publishers, all of whom are now probably working in ASDA. Stephen King has two spikes on his desk where he has mounted all the letters of rejection he received from publishing houses and magazines over the years. No published author has ever given up after being rejected and neither should you. 

However, in the heat of the moment, rejection can be pretty hard to deal with no matter how polite your prospective publisher is.  You can handle the situation in a destructive way (hurt-anger-bitter-Tory voter-super villain) or you can work through your feelings in a positive manner. 

1-At least you got a response. Like applying for jobs or praying, there is only a small chance that your manuscript will elicit a reply from the powers that be. The very fact that someone read it is an excellent bit of news-it means you are on someone’s radar, and will hopefully have an idea of what you did wrong.

2-Don’t be so damned entitled. Just because you wrote something does not mean you have a God given right to become an author. It is very tempting to be angry that those fools are too obtuse to understand your vision, but chances are that they may have a point in turning you down. Stop asking “WHY?!”. Ask “what did I do wrong?”

3-Don’t give up hope. As I have mentioned previously, pretty much every published author has been rejected hundreds of times. You just need to find the publishing house that is right for you. Yes, there are those lucky few who find their publishing house early, but what sort of life is that? By thirty-five they have two kids, a mortgage, fuck all to say to each other, and one has probably had an affair. Perseverance is my point.

4-Consider Self-Publishing. If you are really desperate to see your name in print, Amazon and other websites now offer users the chance to upload their work as Ebooks. Some have even been successful, although that is more down to the inevitable erotic content that is too filthy for commercial publishing. Long story short, you can publish this way, you just need to insert the phrase “And then he got his Knob out” every two or three paragraphs.

5- Keep Working. It is all very well and good to tell you not to give up hope, but nothing will get published unless you write it. Go back to work, improve your idea, try new ones, keep to your schedule. Don’t use one or two knock backs as an excuse to let things slide.

In conclusion, my fellow writers, We will get there one day. We just need to keep working and remind ourselves not to compare ourselves to all the bastards that have somehow managed to get there first.

Remember when I tried online dating that one time? I ended up having a panic attack and deleting my Tinder and OKCupid profiles without ever having met anyone face to face or even having more than one conversation. It was a rousing success.

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression. I have also kind of recovered from an Eating Disorder and all three of those problems may have roots in as-yet-undiagnosed Asperger’s syndrome. Plus I am a Physical Specimen in much the same way a beached Octopus is a physical specimen. Surely the most sensible thing to do would be to just back off, take care of my own shit and accept the fact that there is no-one out there? You know, instead of downloading a new app and trying again?

Nope. I downloaded Badoo. Which is basically a more user-friendly Tinder. Every time you log on, the number of people using the site updates in front of your eyes, which is of course a great way to boost your confidence of landing a date. It gets to the point, however, that you begin to realise that not a single person in 314,545,676,899 finds you attractive. It’s one thing to think the odds are against you-it’s another to actually be told that you have better odds of winning the Euromillions than you have getting off with someone. 

Apart from that, things followed pretty much the same pattern as last time. I swiped right. I messaged a few people. I tried to take a photo that didn’t make me look like a serial killer and failed miserably.

No-one messaged back. A could of people visited my profile but they left pretty quickly, which indicates that they were either lost or pressed the wrong button. After a few days I gave up and deleted the app. I wasn’t going to get sucked into all this online dating stuff and let it have a negative effect again.

I think it’s time I faced facts.  I’m not going to find anyone. I am too socially awakward, emotionally unreliable and self-absorbed to be a good partner . I have proven time and again over the years that I far too easily become obsessed with people I think I have a crush on, so it stands to reason that my controlling behaviour would be even worse if someone actually reciprocated. No-one deserves that. And I don’t deserve anyone.

I don’t want to use my blog to be negative all the time. There are good things in my life. My flat. ComiXology. The golden age of TV and Cinema in which we live. Running. I am grateful and know that it could be a lot worse. I have just come to the conclusion that romance is not something I was meant for.