If you have been reading my recent blog posts, you will know that I joined OKCupid about a month ago. I also joined Tinder (twice). The reason? I decided that the time had come to put myself out there, seize the day, to stop saying that I am probably going to die alone and be found weeks later having been partially eaten by a cat and a couple of hamsters without any clear justification.
Well it’s been almost a month. And I am ready to run screaming to the hills.
Partly this is down to the fact that if the amount of likes I have recieved are any indication, I am about as attractive and interesting as a pint of curdled milk-which I kind of already knew, but it’s still not nice to be reminded of the fact on a pretty much daily basis. Partly it is because when I have messaged people I have been mostly ignored or, when I have recieved a reply, acted like an idiot. A pompous, kinda creepy idiot. It’s Freshers Week all over again.
But mainly it’s due to the fact that I cannot deal with this right now.
I don’t mean to be rude. Or to say or do things that make people cut contact with me as soon as they can. I really don’t. I just get scared. I get scared because I can’t read a situation and don’t know what people mean when they say things to me. I get scared because any minute now the person I am talking to will see the real me and so I try to be funnier or cooler than I am and succeed in being neither. I need to be on my own to recharge and think, but I’m scared that they will move on and leave me behind again, so I force myself to stay and become worse and worse and eventually I am just someone unpleasant they used to know and I am on my own. Again.
Hey, remember when this Blog used to be funny? Remember Skins: The Abridged Series? Oh, the times we had!
I think I lied earlier. I didn’t start online dating because I wanted to put myself out there. I wanted to prove to everyone-most of whom I hadn’t seen in years-that I had moved on as well. That I had really changed. That someone cared about me. I looked at all the weddings and dream jobs and travelling and wanted to be able to say that I was like them. But I’m not. I’m still as slow as ever, struggling to catch up. Maybe I’m not meant to. Maybe that sort of life will only be in images and Facebook posts. Maybe it’s not for me.
So I’m taking a break.
I don’t want to end on a down note. Here’s the latest trailer for Justice League.
Say what you want about Zak Snyder. The man knows how to polish a turd.