There are many reasons why someone might fall asleep at work. A late night, a change in medication, the fact that their job is really, really boring. Whatever the reason, it will sometimes be impossible to keep your eyes open and this could lead to some awkwardness or disciplinary action or accidentally leaving your watch in the lower intestine if the man you were performing surgery on.  At the very least someone will draw a penis on your cheek.

I know from experience just how fraught with risk falling asleep at work can be. When I started my current job, I found that it was a real struggle to stay awake and concentrate. I would be staring at the computer screen, fighting to keep my eyelids open and before I knew it I would be head butting the desk or trying to explain to my line manager that those snore-like sounds he may have heard coming from my corner was in fact  my hayfever playing up again.

 I’m better now. Turns out the Doctor was wrong to increase the dosage of my medication. And I quote:

DOCTOR: So you’re falling asleep? Not to worry, I’ll just halve your dosage again.

ADAM: Shouldn’t you have told me that might happen? What if I was doing something important, like driving an ambulance or something?

DOCTOR: Were you driving an ambulance?

ADAM: No….

DOCTOR: Then what are you complaining about?

I love the NHS, don’t you?

Anyway, this probably doesn’t solve the problem of you falling asleep at work. And while I cannot really do anything to help you stop drifting off, I can share with you a few hints and tricks that will help you avoid being caught napping.

1. Trust the nod. When you feel your head go down, snap it up back up as quickly as you can. Whiplash is a small price to pay to look like you are at least trying to pay attention.

2. Put some paperwork on your desk in front of you. Eyes shut? No! They are just squinting at all the vitally important documents you have spread in front of you. For reals!

3. Try to time it so that you sleep while your boss is at lunch. If you can’t, then drop a pen under the desk and pretend that’s why you spent so long down there.

4. Wear sunglasses. Even if you are not tired. Sunglasses are cool.

5. Draw attention away from yourself by making your coworkers look bad. If you start dropping off, turn to the person next to you and say as loud as you can “We’ll, I think that is incredibly homophobic!” The line manager and the coworker disappears for twenty minutes for “intervention talks” and you get a window to get some shut eye.

Sleep tight.

Last year I took part in Nanowrimo, a yearly project designed to help aspiring novelists write their own fifty thousand word book. I finished writing my story with a couple of days to spare. So yes, very proud, thank you.

It was the first full-length book I have ever written. I had written short stories, poems, lots of Blog posts and a comic script which was rendered a complete waste of time when they actually killed Wolverine (my story was cooler. Just getting that out there). This, however, was a leap into the unknown. And…

It turned out okay. I guess.

Overall, the people who I asked to proof-read the thing seemed to like it. They offered some pretty constructive feedback and didn’t tell me not to give up my day job. Which was all that I was after, really. Reading the story back, though, I could see a couple of things that I could have done differently. Too many characters, spending too much time world building and not enough on the actual narrative, an ending that felt rushed and tacked on, that sort of thing. 

So I’ve decided to try again. I’ve got an idea, I’ve actually planned out character arcs instead of trying to let them ‘grow naturally’ whatever the hell that means, and I have a target for when I want to be finished by. I will let you know how I get on.

In the meantime, here are a few tips for anyone reading this who wants to try writing for themselves.

1. Practice as much as you can. Start a blog, write flash fiction-anything between a sentence and a paragraph-just scribble aimlessly in a work meeting, but just practice. 

2. Do not get discouraged if someone else seems to have already had the same idea as you. Take it as a challenge to do better.

3. Read. Read even if you don’t want to write. 

4. Never underestimate the importance of Coffee to the creative process.

5. Forget about publishing what you have written. Forget about fame, or money, or whatever reason you might be writing. This is for you. This is you telling a story. If you want to try all that stuff afterwards, fine, but don’t start letting it be a moneymaking exercise.

Jeremy Corbyn has won the Labour Leadership election. Donald Trump is getting worringly close to being elected as President of the United States. Aleppo is burning. There are a hundred different things that I could write about, but fuck that, let’s talk Tinder!

Tinder and Spotify have teamed up. Tinder users can now not only base their swipes on things like physical attractiveness and proximity to their house, but also if they think their potential hook-ups have the same taste in music as them. Tinder users will be able to choose an “Anthem” that best represents their personality, because it is safe to assume most Tinder users are in actual fact thirteen-year-old Myspace addicts, and will also be able to hide any songs or artists that they believe to be embarrassing yet cannot stop listening to. Like Nickleback. Or the Wicked original cast soundtrack. For example.

It is a fairly good idea I suppose. Having never used Tinder myself, I can only imagine the awkwardness and pain that comes with finding out that your date likes Shawn Mendes. If such scenes can be prevented by a simple multi-million dollar deal between two internet companies, then I am all for it. In fact, this whole thing has got me thinking. Which other websites would benefit from a partnership with Spotify?

Okay, okay, how would MY website/blog benefit from a relationship with Spotify?

While I wait for the people at Spotify to return my calls, emails, ravens and sexually explicit graffiti on the front of their London offices, here is a list of songs that you can listen to while reading my Blog and occasional self-indulgent whinges that get published on other websites.  I’ll be honest, I have no idea what is going on with a few of the videos, but Youtube is like that.

JESCA HOOP-FEAST OF THE HEART

WATERPARKS-STUPID FOR YOU

KANYE WEST/NICKI MINAJ/JAYZ-MONSTER

HEY VIOLET-GUYS MY AGE

FLORENCE + THE MACHINE-TOO MUCH IS NEVER ENOUGH

CREDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL-FORTUNATE SON

If you can think of any other songs that could be added to this list, or would like to share the songs you listen to while wishing you could give me a good slap, please leave comments in the usual place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I became a contributor for the Huffington Post a little while ago, and I’ve basically been using my new platform to try to illustrate what it is like living with an Eating Disorder and all that that entails. Basically the posts that have been published so far are basically an extension of what I have been doing on this blog, i.e. talking about my feelings and hoping no-one calls me a wanker for it.

That said, writing this stuff down has been good for me. I haven’t had a therapist since my last one got a new job or started hiding behind large items of furniture whenever she knew I was coming, I forget which, and sometimes I just need to feel like I have someone to talk to. Which raises the question of why I don’t actually talk to someone privately instead of sticking my innermost thoughts up on your newsfeed. 

The answer to that, if you have had any contact with me at all over the past ten or so years, is pretty self-explanatory. I am not very easy to know. In fact I can be a difficult, depressing, infuriating fucker. If you have stopped responding to my Facebook messages or texts then you are not alone.

I cannot seem to forget what I have said or done to lead me to this point. I could be walking, or working, or watching TV and out of nowhere I have a vivid memory of the time I hid Jo’s phone down my trousers because I couldn’t see that it was taking the joke too far. Or something I said to a classmate at school that made then look at me with disgust or pity or boredom or all three. Or that time I said something inappropriate or did something worse.  It is unrelenting. The guilt, the shame, the knowledge that I could have so easily avoided driving my friends away but instead chose to be me instead. The people involved have probably forgotten about these incidents or else give them very little thought, but in these flashes they are as vivid to me as if they had happened yesterday. Constant reminders as to why I am a bad person, or at the very least an obnoxious one that deserves to be alone.

I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be the one that makes his friends and family upset. I want to be liked, not just put up with. I want to be able to make the right call, to be the sort of person that those closest to me seem to be without even trying. I don’t want to be alone.

So I’m trying hard to be better. I have cut back on the amount of exercise I do, giving me more time for other things. I am allowing myself to eat and enjoy food, giving me something else to talk about with people. And I am trying hard to give myself a chance, because I cannot expect people to like me if I don’t like myself.

I am sorry. I’m sorry if I  upset you or made you angry enough to not want anyhing else to do with me. But I am trying to change. And hopefully, one day, you will talk to a better person.

Ah, Freshers. That golden fortnight where freedom is tasted for the first time, friendships are forged, and you lose everyone you know during a foam party and end up escorting a drunk rugby player home because some girl from the Christian Society guilts you into it. After dropping him off at what you hope is the right address you somehow have to find your way back to your halls of residence while covered in foam and a bit wasted and replaying the stories you’ve heard about what happens in Victoria Park after sunset in your head….

Ahem.

I doubt I’m the only former University student who goes onto their Alma Mater’s website around this time of year, hoping to recapture that feeling of being an eighteen year old in a world of possibility with no idea what Hot Desking is. Which acts are headlining the Student Union? Do they still do that one pub crawl where you have to wear a T-Shirt with your subject on it like some inebriated version of Divergent? Is there still free Dominos pizza for everyone with a wristband? Is there? IS THERE?!

The logical way to find answers would be to fashion my own student ID wristband and gate crash Freshers, but it doesn’t start for another couple of weeks and by then I may have decided I quite like being an adult, or at least consider it better than being the way I actually was at Uni. So instead I’ve gone on the website and picked out some of the highlights of Leicester Freshers 2016 in order to illustrate that this new generation clearly have no idea how to party. Seriously. They are like the third generation of Skins characters.

What is the point? I’m sorry, but come on. These people would have been babies in the ninties, they won’t understand what’s going on. The Chuckle Brothers are wasted on these millennial types. 

According to the website, “anything goes’ on a night where you are invited to dress up like your favourite animal. Not sure how I feel about this one. I mean, your average sport society member tended to whip out an animal onesie at the drop of a hat, at least when I was there. It’s like having a “let’s go to ASDA” party.

The School Disco. In a way, I’m a bit relieved the Girl’s school uniform didn’t look anything like the uniform that will no doubt be on display on the night. I was basically a walking boner during puberty, if they went out like that I never would have got any work done. Have fun kids!

Something is off about this shirt. I don’t know. Shouldn’t it be trying to start a turf war with De Montfort University by suggesting their Dads are employed by ours, presumably in roles which require minimal intellectual effort? For the record, I have no idea how they got that on a T-Shirt.

THIS SOUNDS AMAZING. You have redeemed a generation, Nando’s. I tip my hat to you.

I dunno. Kids today, they don’t know they’re born.

Sex Education in schools is not fit for purpose.This is not really news. Think back to your own lessons-were you taught about consent? Homosexuality? Gender Identity? Of course you bloody weren’t. I mean I know I wasn’t. My classmates and I got a “Question Box” where we could anonymously submit queries regarding our changing bodies, but that was mainly used to tell the teacher that he was gay. 

We as a society need to find a way to explain the realities of Sex and Sexuality to kids. And here to help is Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj!

Ariana Grande’s latest song “Side-to-Side” explores a feature of lovemaking not usually addressed by the current education system, namely being railed so hard you have trouble walking straight afterwards. Nicki Minaj provides some valuable insight into the messy reality of handjobs (“wrist icicle”) while at the same time coining the term “Dick Bicycle”, the implied mechanics of which should give us all pause. 

Now, how would we go about explaining all this to young, impressionable minds? 

1. BE FRANK.

“Sometimes, children, sex can hurt. It can be fun but there is also the risk of tearing, pulled muscles, head butts, and stabbing. Yes, stabbing. That’s just something I’m into. I don’t judge your Minecraft obsession, Danny. ”

2. BE OPEN TO ALL QUESTIONS, NO MATTER HOW AWKWARD.

” No, I don’t know how she can sing and do a spin class at the same time. I think they just dubbed it in afterwards. Look, Danny, I think you are focussing on the…Jesus Wept, are you playing Minecraft again? Give me that.”

3. EMPHASISE CONSENT

“How would you feel if someone tried to stick something in you without permission? Exactly. Don’t do it unless it is absolutely, one hundred per cent clear that it’s something the other person wants. Remember-I know where you live.”

4. MAKE IT ACCESSIBLE TO BOTH GENDERS

“Now you may think that Girls are the only ones that can get sore after sex. But men can feel just as drained, especially if they have had a wank a few hours before. I’m sorry, “pleasured themselves”. I forgot what a sensitive little soldier Danny is. Jesus.”

5. AVOID COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT.

“If anyone asks, the video was a visual aid before the record company dropped it. Okay? Okay.”

So now you know how….don’t. Class dismissed!