I recently became a Blogger for a Medical Journal. This means that I am now basically a Doctor, complete with stethoscope , terrible handwriting, and the flaming bags of Dog Turds which were left on my doorstep by Jeremy Hunt.
I celebrated becoming a full-fledged Medical Practitioner the only way I knew how: by going on Facebook, updating my status, and then spending the next three hours clicking “refresh” in the hope that someone else would Like it. Instead of Likes, however, I got emails. Emails from friends and acquaintances who for whatever reason could not see a Doctor or make it to a hospital, and needed me to diagnose, advise, and ultimately cure them.
As you may know, Doctors swear an oath to respect the privacy of their patients. So if I want to share some of the juiciest requests for help I got, then I am going to have aliases. Sorry. Not very helpful if you are trying to avoid sick people, I know. At least they will know who they are if they read this, right?
DOCTOR ADAM, I FEEL AWFUL. I HAVE BEEN VOMITING, I FEEL COLD ALL THE TIME, AND I CAN’T EVEN DRINK ANYTHING WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I HAVE BEEN PUNCHED IN THE STOMACH. CAN YOU HELP?
Ah, the old stomach virus. A two-week juice cleanse compacted into twenty-four hours. The good news is that these things tend to last a day. The bad news is that whatever you don’t throw up will probably be shitted out. Sometimes both at once. Drink as much water as you can, binge-watch something on Netflix, go to sleep and stop being a baby. You’ll be fine.
DOCTOR ADAM, PLEASE STOP MESSAGING ME. I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT NOT REPLYING TO YOU WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS PERFECTLY CLEAR, BUT YOU JUST CANNOT TAKE A HINT. I DO NOT WANT TO HANG OUT, BECAUSE YOU WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY GET THE WRONG IDEA AND TRY IT ON AGAIN, AND I DO NOT WANT TO PUT EITHER OF US THROUGH THE GRIEF. SO KNOCK IT OFF.
In my medical opinion, this patient clearly needs some one-to-one therapy to address their commitment issues. Maybe at my place? Over dinner, see what happens?
DOCTOR ADAM, YOU’RE A RUNNER. HAVE YOU ANY EXPERIENCE WITH A PULLED HAMSTRING? HOW SOON CAN I RETURN TO TRAINING?
Pulled Hamstrings are the worst. But it’s not as bad as getting your foot run over by a steamroller. That would really hurt. I suggest that you keep telling yourself that as you put your kit back on and start running again, you absolute-I mean, come on, who lets a pulled hamstring slow them down? Honestly. All you get is excuses from some people.
DOCTOR ADAM, WHAT INJECTIONS SHOULD I GET IF I AM TRAVELLING TO SOUTH AMERICA?
Can you believe this guy? Honestly, “what injections do I need in South America?”-What, like South America is somehow toxic to Europeans? Not English-Europeans. Because we are all one people, unlike what SOME people might think. Get out of my office!
DOCTOR ADAM, WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT A RASH ON THE BACK? SHOULD I BE WORRIED?
Only start worrying if it turns out you are growing wings. True, you will be able to start fighting crime, but you will never be able to find a shirt that fits you again. I would start going to the gym now.
DOCTOR ADAM, I THOUGHT I MADE IT CLEAR THAT I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN. IF YOU KEEP HARRASSING ME ON FACEBOOK, I WILL GET THE POLICE INVOLVED. LEAVE ME ALONE.
Increasingly Mixed Signals
If you are going to do things like block my account and report me to admins, how do you expect me to help you?
DOCTOR ADAM, I THINK I AM LOSING MY HAIR. CAN YOU HELP SLOW IT DOWN?
No. Don’t be daft.
If you have a medical question that needs answering, message me or leave a comment on the blog. I promise to be a far superior alternative to those do-gooders with offices and secretaries and medical licences.