A blow-by-blow account of my five minutes on Tinder.

Earlier this week, I made the short-lived decision to join Tinder. Tinder, for those who don’t know or possess the social skills to attract a mate in real life, is a social media website and app which enables users to meet people in their local area for dates, casual hookups, and ritualistic virgin sacrifices. Tinder users are presented with a series of profiles and are told to swipe right if they like what they see or swipe left if they do not. Anyone who has been swiped right will then be available to chat to online and hopefully progress things further. I am not going to explain what happens on a Date because in all honesty I have no fucking idea.


I’m not sure what influenced my decision that fateful Monday eve. Maybe I was tired and stressed out from work and needed a hug. Maybe I thought it would be nice to talk about  The Flash with someone. Maybe I realised that I was twenty-six and about as sexually experienced as a Monk whose hands had been eaten by a Bear. Whatever the reason, I threw caution to the wind and downloaded the Tinder app to my phone. I set up a profile through my Facebook account. And five minutes later deleted it in a blind panic.

What follows is a brief account of the events as they unfolded. 

16:50-I officially join Tinder. Almost immeadiately I am presented with images of women and asked to decide which ones I like the look of. Fair play, Tinder, straight to the point. I swipe left, I swipe right. I notice my Profile Picture and am reminded that I am actually pretty ugly.

16:51-Swiping has been temporarily abandoned in order to take a decent picture. Apparently Tinder has had a hard time with this one as well, because the only pictures it took from my Facebook page are of me far away or with my face covered. Still, at least it’s better than the interests Tinder got from my Facebook Likes. I can live with  Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and The Guardian, but do people really need to know how annoyed I would be if God didn’t look like Morgan Freeman?

16:52-Deciding to clear up my Likes later, I go back to taking a photo. I come to two conclusions while doing so-1) I should never smile. EVER. And 2) Oh God, what if this actually works? It is a pretty long shot, but so was Trump and now Transgender kids in the US probably won’t be able to use public toilets.

16:53-I mean, it probably won’t, right? I won’t have to make small talk or make eye contact  or do anything that will betray my complete lack of experience and lead my date to believe that she has made a huge mistake or is probably talking to a serial killer. I will just be rejected. Again. And again. And again.

16:54-Oh God, what am I going to say?! Will I need to say anything with a photo like that? I should have gone with the hoodie pic. They might think I’m the Flash? Which would be a conversation starter, but what if they want a demonstration? I am not that fast, you guys.


16:55-You know what? I am probably not in the right place for this right now. That’s what I’ll keep telling myself. Deleted!

The movie adaption, directed by Richard Curtis, will be in Cinemas soon and on Netflix even sooner.

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