I’ve had a rough couple of days. Not in the sense that bad things have happened to me. Bad as in unjustifiably terrrified, lonely, angry, and so tired that even the smallest effort required a gargantuan effort. It was not fun. So my decision to write a blog about how I’m taking a break from online dating was ill-advised. You didn’t miss much. I mean, if it makes you feel better about your life choices to compare them to mine, then go read the previous entry.
Otherwise, stick around for my efforts to slap a band-aid on the broken leg that is my mental state.
One of the reasons I got so low this time-one of the reasons I’m on a pretty much constant downer, if you think about it-is that I’m jealous. No other way of putting it. I look on social media and it seems like everything comes so easily for everyone else. They have friends who talk to them. They have jobs they are passionate about. They have flat mates and love and can travel around the world without freaking out. They always know what to do in a crisis. They are doing all the things they have dreamed of doing.
I wish I could be like that. I wish that I wasn’t the type of person you tried to escape from at the first opportunity. I wish I could hold a conversation, I wish I was interesting enough to have people visit me, I wish change didn’t scare me so much. I wish I had something I cared about enough to pursue. Scratch that-I wish I was good at something. Like, legitimately good at something.
I guess I just wish I felt good about myself.
I don’t know what to do about it, not really. I tried to make changes before and it didn’t work out. All I ended up doing was driving more people away and making a mess of everything. So I suppose I’ll have to try again. Make another five year plan and try to stick to it.
Right. Okay. I five years I want to:
1) Publish a book.
2) Learn a new skill
3) Make a friend
The last one will be the most difficult. I know me. I know when people finally know me, they want nothing to do with me. I know I don’t really understand people anyway, so it’s not as though I would feel any less alone if I had a whole group of friends. But I can’t be alone forever, and so that means I will have to brave and put myself out there. With eye contact and everything.