It’s not quite Halloween yet, but already excitement is building. I assume. Having spent three years of my life post-university dealing with people who decided to mark the end of October by going out, getting drunk and starting a fight dressed as a sexy cat, the whole thing has kind of lost its appeal for me. But that doesn’t mean I can’t lend a helping hand to those few remaining Facebook friends who want to spend their Halloween Night drinking warm lager while dressed as an unconvincing Dracula and wishing that Captain America in the corner would stop trying to get everyone to go streaking.
In my experience, Halloween costumes can be divided into two categories: Awesome and Fucking Terrible. There is no shame in ending up in either classification; on the contrary,having a Fucking Terrible costume shows a certain cool aloofness. You’re not there to dress up like a Superhero or a Monster or some such dorky shit. You are there to paaaarrrr-tayyyyy, and the fake rubber fangs from Poundland work just as well as the kitty cat headband and a few streaks of mascara to illustrate just how cool you are to care about all this stuff. Being cool at parties is a good thing. And if nothing else, it makes going to the toilet pretty easy.
You may, however, have a partner. A special someone in your life. Your very own Shekh Ma Shieraki Anni, to completely eradicate any lingering sex appeal I may have had forever. Now your significant other may not share your devil-may-care attitude toward costuming; they may want to try to aim for an “Awesome” outfit. Which is fine. Good luck to them. Hope they enjoy spending more time getting ready than they do actually drinking, right? Except they will inevitably try to drag you down with them. If they want to be Buzz Lightyear, you would end up being Woody. If they wanted to go as Darth Vader, you are the loyal Stormtrooper. Or vice-versa! Don’t fall into the trap of thinking your costume idea is the best one. They might be sitting over there rolling their eyes as you excitedly click away at Deadpool costumes online. Not sure why. Going as Deadpool would be awesome. You do you.
Anyway, you are here to find out what to do in the event of your partner presenting you with a dodgy costume. On Halloween, obviously. The rest of the time that is your mess (either sudden or eventual) to clean up.
STEP ONE: Assess possible exits, both literal and metaphorical. After all, you’ve still got ten days till Halloween as of the time of writing, and that is plenty of time in which to break a window and leg it, leaving behind a note carefully explaining where you have gone, why you are going, and when you are coming back.
STEP TWO: Try to suggest you already have a costume. When they ask you what it is, tap the side of your nose and walk away. Relax, you still have, like, a week to think of something.
STEP THREE: Watch Red Dwarf. It’s on Dave now.
STEP FOUR: Hide under a pile of coats. Why did you waste all that time watching Red Dwarf?! Halloween is tomorrow!
STEP FIVE: Text your beau and tell them that you will meet them at the party. Then turn up in your own costume and tell them a Fox stole theirs.
Have a happy Halloween. Don’t dress like Donald Trump. Or worse, a sexy Donald Trump. Just don’t.