Love Island raises more questions than Answers

I was going to write a whole mini-essay on the things I have learned watching Love Island, but that is clearly not going to work.  The problem is that Love Island-broadcast nightly on ITV2-is one of the most confusing things I have ever seen. And I’ve sat through three seasons of The Leftovers. 

I just…I don’t know, you guys. I really don’t. Here are just a few of the questions I have.

1) What do any of these people hope to achieve? Like, there’s no cash prize as far as I can make out. Sending them on another holiday would be pointless because they are basically on holiday already. So what? I mean they can’t expect any of these relationships to have a long-term future. It would be like going to University and hooking up with someone from Aberdeen. Oh, they say they love you in the heat of the moment, but you can fuck right off if you think they are moving into your Mum’s in Reading once the three years are up.

2) Is Caroline Flack still going out with Harry Styles? This is probably something I can research myself, but I can’t be bothered. Has anyone pointed out that all the members of One Direction gone for older women? It’s not a bad thing, just a bit odd.

3) Who comes up with the challenges? So far we’ve had twerking, groping, and cucumbers. And it’s only going downhill from there. So who thinks of them? Do they have a writer for the Daily Sport chained up in the basement? Are there daily seances with the spirit of Kenneth Williams?

4) Why do they keep introducing new people? They know this has to end at some point, right? Unless…oh God. No. No. A thousand times, No.

5) Why on Earth would you have sex on Television? I refuse to believe any of those yo-yos kept it a secret, so at the very least their Mums would have been watching. Try explaining that at Sunday Lunch.

6) Why would you have sex in the same room as everyone else? It’s one thing if they had separate rooms, but they are all in the same bedroom together. Some of those people must be trying to sleep. Is it a try before you buy situation or are the other contestants issued with noise-cancelling headphones and photos of Marlon Brando from Last Tango in Paris?

7) What is good chat? 

8) What is bad chat?

9) What is Grumpy Chat?

10) Would it be possible to send some Ugly people in? Or really just average-looking people. Just really fuck with their heads.
Love Island is on ITV2 tonight and every night until they hand over the Nuclear Launch codes and ten billion dollars cash.


How to Know when you should Mark Yourself Safe.

Facebook allows its users to let their friends know that they are safe. This feature is incredibly useful following, say, a Terror Attack, but when is it appropriate to let your friends, followers and those one or two people you don’t really like but keep around anyway because you like to compare your life to their shitshow whenever you are feeling down that you are okay?

Wonder no more! 

-Take a look at your surroundings. Has anything exploded? Have you been forced to flee from something? Are you in your pyjamas? If the answer to these questions are No, No and I prefer the term ‘Negligee’, then chances are you should get off Facebook so that people who actually might be in danger can use it.

-How scared are you on a scale of one to ten? Anything higher than four means you can’t just turn off the DVD and watch American Dad instead. Get off Facebook.

-Are you desperate to feel included? If so, there are far less offensive ways to get comments that wish you well. Share personal medical details or jump out of a second storey window. 

-Telling everyone to “stay safe” is about a useful as a copy of The Guardian on the set of Good Morning Britain. It is tempting to use this as a substitute for marking yourself as safe-you aren’t lying and it makes you look all calm and cool and in control while at the same time empathic-but don’t. Just don’t. Unless you are stronger than a locomotive, faster than a speeding bullet, or capable of doing anything even remotely useful, just back off. There are those who need to communicate more than you do.

I should probably stop this before I get lynched.