I was going to write a whole mini-essay on the things I have learned watching Love Island, but that is clearly not going to work. The problem is that Love Island-broadcast nightly on ITV2-is one of the most confusing things I have ever seen. And I’ve sat through three seasons of The Leftovers.
I just…I don’t know, you guys. I really don’t. Here are just a few of the questions I have.
1) What do any of these people hope to achieve? Like, there’s no cash prize as far as I can make out. Sending them on another holiday would be pointless because they are basically on holiday already. So what? I mean they can’t expect any of these relationships to have a long-term future. It would be like going to University and hooking up with someone from Aberdeen. Oh, they say they love you in the heat of the moment, but you can fuck right off if you think they are moving into your Mum’s in Reading once the three years are up.
2) Is Caroline Flack still going out with Harry Styles? This is probably something I can research myself, but I can’t be bothered. Has anyone pointed out that all the members of One Direction gone for older women? It’s not a bad thing, just a bit odd.
3) Who comes up with the challenges? So far we’ve had twerking, groping, and cucumbers. And it’s only going downhill from there. So who thinks of them? Do they have a writer for the Daily Sport chained up in the basement? Are there daily seances with the spirit of Kenneth Williams?
4) Why do they keep introducing new people? They know this has to end at some point, right? Unless…oh God. No. No. A thousand times, No.
5) Why on Earth would you have sex on Television? I refuse to believe any of those yo-yos kept it a secret, so at the very least their Mums would have been watching. Try explaining that at Sunday Lunch.
6) Why would you have sex in the same room as everyone else? It’s one thing if they had separate rooms, but they are all in the same bedroom together. Some of those people must be trying to sleep. Is it a try before you buy situation or are the other contestants issued with noise-cancelling headphones and photos of Marlon Brando from Last Tango in Paris?
7) What is good chat?
8) What is bad chat?
9) What is Grumpy Chat?
10) Would it be possible to send some Ugly people in? Or really just average-looking people. Just really fuck with their heads.
Love Island is on ITV2 tonight and every night until they hand over the Nuclear Launch codes and ten billion dollars cash.