Update

So what’s been going on with me?

I haven’t blogged in quite a while. For actually quite a good reason this time-I’ve been busy writing. I’ve written an article that is going to be published on Syfy Wire, a short story that might be published, and an article about Rick and Morty that has already been published. Check it out.

I’m also in the process of writing a young adult novel. The project has had a couple of false starts, and has only in this draft become a YA novel, but it’s slowly coming together. I might actually try to get this one published. It certainly has more chance of getting published than the novel I wrote for NanoWrimo last year. Here’s a hint for all you aspiring authors out there: do not try to fix time travel. This is good advice in general. But if you really must write a book about it, do not try to solve all the logical inconsistencies. Your brain will melt and the manuscript will be a mess. Don’t do it.

So…what else is new?

I’m back into Doughnuts. In a big way.

I’m thinking I might grow a beard. That is also something that is currently happening.

I’ve been thinking a lot about labels and how to define yourself. Some people can go through their whole lives without thinking about their identity too deeply. They are there and that is good enough. Some, through birth or social circumstance, are forced to consider their identity, their label, every single day and are faced with the choice of shaking it off and trying to be as “normal” as possible or embracing and exploring it and taking pride or strength from a smaller but equally important community. Then there are those whose identity is seemingly in a constant state of flux. They may have become aware of their otherness comparatively late. They may have known, but tried to hide it. They may still hide it, fearing what might happen if people ever found out, or worse-that they won’t be believed. That they will not be feared, or hated, but dismissed. And if nobody trusts them when they say how they feel, how can these people ever trust themselves?

Relax. Calm down. I’m not going to turn this into a thing. God knows I don’t have a decent track record when it comes to keeping secrets-I’ve shared details of depressive episodes, anxiety attacks and of my struggle with Anorexia. The last diagnoses I received I have basically yelled from the rooftops, prompting some people to warn me about using a medical condition to define myself. I’ve written a lot and spoken to people who would much rather be doing anything else. I need to know why I am the way I am.

My point is that I have been trying to find my identity for years. I’ve made no secret of it. Unlike those who can look in a mirror and see themselves for what they are, I am one of those annoying people who needs to break down everything into smaller, manageable chunks. I know it is all me in the end. I just need to know what parts make up the whole.

Now you’ve sat through all that, you probably deserve to know what the hell I am talking about.

This is the year I’m finally being completely honest with myself. And, to be honest, I don’t want sex. I have never really wanted sex. I’ve had crushes on people. Exactly two. But it has mainly been a desire for a deeper friendship than anything physical. I’ve joined OKCupid and Tinder and all that, but the expectation has driven me away. I just don’t see the appeal. A lot of my Depression has come from me trying to force myself to have a “healthy interest”. I thought I needed to be in the game, for want of a better expression, and made a great deal of noise when my half-cocked attempts inevitably failed. But I didn’t know what else to do.

I have hurt people and scared people because I wanted to be normal, and there is no excuse for that. All I can do is move forward. I am not going to make a fuss. This is the only thing I will write about it. I’m not going to talk about it unless someone comes to me first. If you want to find out more, here is a link. But if you want the short version, I might be Asexual. And there is nothing wrong with that. Christ knows how I’m going to tell my parents, if at all. But there it is.

The most positive thing is that I’m finally getting my Depression under control. I have identified the two main factors and am facing them head on. I am not using one or the other as a foundation for an identity; more like I am using them as building blocks. I am building me.

And, as I mentioned earlier, me will have a beard. Hopefully.

Oh, and I’m going to Comic-Con tomorrow. That’ll be fun.

Stay tuned for more articles, personal revelations, and pictures of Doughnuts.

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