So here’s the thing.
For years-literally years-I have bemoaned the fact that I have never been in a relationship. I have written long, boring blogs about how ugly I am, how nobody will ever love me. And while I experienced two very intense crushes that quickly became sources of guilt and anxiety, I did nothing.
Eventually I did do something. I joined Tinder, and OKCupid and a plethora of other dating websites. I was determined not to be left behind anymore. That was what was driving me. I didn’t want to be left behind. I didn’t want to be the only person who had never had a girlfriend or had sex. I didn’t, and still don’t, have any idea what I would have done if things had actually progressed to the point where sex would have been an issue. So intimate. So physical. No boundaries, all that mess. I guess more than anything it would have been nice to have someone to go running and watch the Arrowverse with. I didn’t think of people in those terms. I still don’t. Pretty? Sure. Hot? I don’t even know what that means.
I’ve made connections. I’ve spoken to people, lots of people. I’ve even been on a date. But I’ve always stopped things from going any further than that because I honestly don’t know if I want things to go any further than that.
I’ve been looking at possible answers to my question.
I have lots of things. Mental Health issues. Autism that I am just now coming to terms with. Things that have helped me, in a twisted way, to know myself.
But I don’t know what this means.