Picking the right Dating App using your level of Attractiveness.

I have an on again/off again relationship with Dating Apps. But while I alternate between poring over my phone obsessively and sitting in the dark watching Bojack Horseman while wondering what the point of me even is, there are many others who take online dating a lot more seriously. Who have even managed to get swiped right and then dates which have progressed into relationships.

It is tempting, if you are single, to think that you might be one of those people. One of those who will meet someone special online. But whoa there. You can’t just download any old app and start swiping. You need a game plan. A goal. An idea of which App is actually right for you. What’s that? You don’t really care what I, someone who has yet to even hold hands, has to say about online dating and relationships? That is very closed minded. And frankly rude.

You will probably join Tinder when getting into online dating. Everyone joins Tinder when they start online dating. It is the Charmander of Dating Apps. However, what many people quickly realise is that they are simply not attractive enough to even have it on their phone, much less have a working account. Your selfie will pale in comparison with the Gilmore Girls extras that populate Tinder. Their selfies are beautiful. Their bios are confident and sexually charged. They don’t need writing prompts-they know exactly what to say and how to say it. And once they’ve said it and the deed is done, they will bid their lover farewell and do it all again. Because the people who are good at Tinder do not need Tinder. For them it is the same as ordering a Pizza online. They could do it themselves, but it’s been a long day and they can’t be arsed. In short, only suitable for eights and up.

For the more sedate, serious dater there is OKCupid. Made up of real people with lengthy bios and clear criteria for what they are looking for, OKCupid is ideal for people who want to chat and get to know the person behind the photo before asking them if they would like, you know, want to meet up or something? Please? I will admit that there is potential here for serious misuse of the messaging service. Harassment. Requests for nudes. Constant requests to find out how you are. Dick pics. More Harassment. But it is worth it to find the one person who can hold a conversation and hasn’t shown you their penis. I can only assume.

Match.com is basically OKCupid for people over thirty. It tells me that you should love your imperfections. Guys. Come on. Better therapists than you have tried and failed. Keep walking.

There are many apps and services marketed to the more “Adult” market. And we all know what that means. You’ll meet up with sexy singles who will watch Panorama with you, discuss whether it is worth getting a new table next time you go to IKEA, and help you fill in your tax return. That’s deductible, you naughty boy!

There are some very attractive people on Grindr. I mean, you know, in a nice way. Approachable. I don’t see what else I can say. I contain multitudes and will try anything once, and urge you, dear reader, to do the same. Anyone will feel welcome on Grindr.

I don’t know what Clover is. And neither does Clover. Go nuts.

So there you have it. The best dating app is the one you avoid. But if you can’t, don’t be afraid to fight dirty.

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