Alphabet Soup

I'm writing a book. It will be the second one I have written, and hopefully the first that will actually be published. Right now I am at Stage Four, which any creative type will tell you is the stage where you delete the whole bloated mess in front of you and start again. At this rate my debut novel should be on the shelves by Christmas 2040. Reserve your copy today!

While I sift through my notes and have a bit of a cry, please enjoy this MySpace survey I filled out to put off actually doing any work.



For what? This has not gotten off to a good start.

27. Though mentally I am obviously about sixteen.

High-Pitched noises. The sound of vacuums and hand dryers. Noise in general.



13th April. Yes. It was a Friday. No. I am not a Hellspawn. I checked.

-Best Friends?
I'm not really sure I have one. I have friends, but I don't think they would consider me their best friend.

-Best Feeling in the World?
Running. It is the only acceptable arena where I can pretend that I am the Flash.

– Blind or Deaf?
I'd rather be mute. It's not as though I talk much anyway. I doubt I would notice.

-Best Weather?
Probably a sunny Autumn day. Cold enough that you have to wear a jacket, but still warm enough that you don't have to worry about freezing rain or snow.

-Been in Love?
Okay. So. I started noticing Girls comparatively late. When I did find people I fancied, I went too far and drove them away, along with pretty much everyone else. A little later I met someone I genuinely did care about, but I was afraid of driving them away. I didn't want them to hate me. So I acted in ways that were odd, immature and downright disrespectful of others at times because I wanted just to be around them and know what they were thinking and be there for them and all that rubbish. In short, I fucked everything up. And I'm still living with it.

To answer the question, I don't know.

-Been on Stage?
I've accepted awards and stuff. And my diploma from University, I think that counts.

-Believe in Magic?
It's probably just incredibly advanced technology.


It's okay, I think. I like Pick and Mix.

Blue or Yellow. Or both.

Depends on the context.

-Chinese/Mexican Food?
Chinese. They have ribs and egg rolls.

-Cake or Pie?
You can tell an American wrote this, can't you? I mean, what British person would choose a Ginsters over a slice of cake?

-Continent to Visit

I have no strong feelings one way or the other. I have no idea how people can get so emotional about it.


Day or Night?
The Lonely Stoner seems to free his mind at night?

Dancing in the Rain?
I've gone running in the rain. Which probably does not count.

Blue. Or possibly green. Or possibly both, depending on the light! #Pretentious

-Everyone's Got….
The ability to have a conversation, which is more than me.

-Ever failed a class?
Maths. I am terrible at Maths. So bad that one year at school they gave me a certificate when I got a C minus. They had just expected Ds and Es up to that point, and I remain to this day The only person to fail the GCSE maths paper that has a pass mark of nine. Not ninety. Nine.

-First thoughts upon waking up?
Here we go again. I am a miserable twat, aren't I?

After a few years of trying to starve myself, I think I've got my relationship with food back. I'm eating Ice Cream now and everything.

-Favourite Body Part on the Opposite Sex?
There is literally no answer I can give that won't make me look creepy or weird. I'm on to you, MySpace.

-Greatest Fear?
Being crushed by a crowd of people.

That was oddly specific.

Write a book. Be kinder.

-Get along with your Parents?
I have to, because I kind of owe them my life. See: Anorexia.

-Hair Colour?

170cm. I don't know what that is in feet and cannot be bothered to Google it.

I try. I do try. It might not seem like it sometimes, but I do.

Big disruption. Can see the appeal, but I also like knowing what I am doing on a day to day basis.

-How do you want to die?
Look, it doesn't matter. In about a year or if there is a movie coming out, I will be bought back to life by the Scarlet Witch or a Cosmic Cube or something.

-Ice Cream?
Ben and Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup. The best kind of cup.

Of destruction!

I wear a watch. That isn't jewellery. I don't know why I said that.

I have a job, but can't say what it is online because of security guidelines. It is nowhere near as interesting as you might think.

I don't think I will ever have kids. Just as well, really. I'd only end up calling it Daenerys or something.

-Kickboxing or Karate?
Kickboxing. I did a bit of Taekwondo when I was trying to look cool, and it's actually closer to a Kickboxing than Karate.

-Keep a Journal?
Yes. It's basically where all my ideas go to die.

Exists. I do believe that love exists. I just know that it is a privilege and not a right.

Email. No-one uses Letters anymore.

-Laughed so hard you cried?
I don't think so?

-Milk Flavour?
Inpatient therapy has left me a desire to never want to drink milk again for as long as I live.

Marvel, Horror, DC. The DC Cinematic Universe is not terrible. Come at me, internet.

-McD's or BK?
This question has made me realise I have not had a burger in ages. Now I really want a burger.

6. I just think it's a good number.

-One wish?
To leave the world a better place than I found it. Or at least attain a basic understanding of body language.

-Oldest Friends?
They know who they are.

-Perfect Pizza?
The TJ's Seafood Special. Onions, Tuna, Anchovies and Sweetcorn. Before you judge me, I would like to point out that I am doing a MySpace quiz at the age of 27. The evidence suggests that I really do not care.

Something you put in your ear to clean it.

-Reason to Cry?
I don't really cry. You'd think that I would, but I don't. I just feel empty. Reasons to feel empty?

-Radio Station?
Radio 1 or Magic, depends on the mood.

-Roll your tongue?
Sure. Okay.

-Shoe Size?
Seven. Seven and a Half!

-Salad Dressing?
Which one is the orange one? That's the nice one.

Yes. Even at my worst, yes.

-Skinny Dipped?
The world is just not ready for me with my shirt off.

-In the shower?
No. I'm doing a quiz. You should have worked this out by now.


Nope. The drill whining just makes my stomach turn.

-Time for Bed?
About 11. I'm super wild.

Hahaha No.

-Vacation Spot(s)?
I liked America. I would like to see more cities. Maybe the Rockies?

I suppose one might argue that I can be a teeny tiny bit hard on myself. Occasionally.

-Which one of your friends acts the most like you?
None of them, thank fuck. One is enough.

-Who makes you laugh the most?
Rick and Morty. They are not real people. I am aware of that.

-Worst feeling?
Knowing that even if things went as well as they could, I will never click with anyone because they can tell I am a creepy disaster.

-Want to be a Model?
No. Why would anyone?

-Worst Weather?

My teeth, nose, foot, and skull. I've lived an interesting life.

Year it is Now?

Power Ranger. Trini is the best.

Zoo Animals?
Pangolins. That's an animal you wouldn't mind having for your sigil on Game of Thrones. All the other houses would be too busy trying to figure out what the hell it is, giving you a clear run at the Iron Throne. Bloodless victory.

Hope y'all enjoyed that. I should get back to work now.


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